The Shame of Divorce

I want to start this out with a disclaimer about how absolutely mortified I am to be openly talking about being divorced, as well as laying some ground rules.

Except with those very close to me (like three people) I do not talk about it.  I realize divorce is a reality for like half of the American population, but it was never something that I, as a younger person, thought that I personally would deal with as a reality in my own life.  But then it was.  I'd love to never talk about it again, and, quite honestly, am writing this begrudgingly, in obedience to the Holy Spirit and out of love for the many people who I've been lucky enough to cross paths with who deal with the debilitating sting of the shame of divorce.

GROUND RULES:
*I do not and will not speak badly of my ex-husband. I love and care about him very much, and he is the father of our two beautiful kids.  This story is about being divorced, not getting divorced.

*I am not mad at the Church, or any specific person in the Church.  Some individuals gave me super crappy counsel, and that is important to call out, but I don't hold grudges against actual people who have grossly inaccurate views of divorce or God's grace and mercy.

*I am not encouraging anyone to get out of their relationship.  Again, this message is for post-divorce.  I'm not a marriage counselor ("Really, Briana, what a shock?!"), I am simply filling a vacuum I now know exists.

WE ALL KNOW THE DEAL
I grew up in the Church.  I first heard the gospel while in the uterus.  For those of you who did too, you know the deal.  No divorce.  Divorce= bad. Even worse are divorcees who remarry.  Divorcees who remarry= adulterers.  Don't even say the word, don't even think about it, don't even look at it.  Don't even say 'g-force,' 'draft horse,' or 'light source,' they sound too similar.

Being divorced is an indication of a person's selfishness, disobedience, and shortcomings.  Being divorced is evidence that I give up easily, that I am disloyal.  If a non-Christian gets divorced and then gets saved, that's one thing-that is actually "to be expected from the Godless."  But if a Christian gets a divorce...are they even saved?  Isn't the very act of divorce a sign that they probably didn't know the Lord to begin with?

These were the thoughts in my head, and the beliefs written across my heart in the years afterward.  I can never be in ministry, or even teach Sunday School   My public school student's parents are going to second-guess my teaching abilities.  I know this sounds dramatic, and I have tears running down my cheeks as I write this, but for over a year after the divorce I didn't even sing.  My guitar sat in its case.  God didn't want to hear my voice.  He had no use for me.  I was like that tool you have in a kitchen drawer that only has one use, a meat thermometer or cheese shredder, and when it breaks there is no fixing it.  It just gets thrown and you buy a new one.

I remember sitting in the back of my parent's little country church while my mom played, "I Know Who Holds Tomorrow" for the congregation on a Sunday morning.  She had asked me to sing it with her for special music, and it was a song we had sang together dozens of times.  I said no.  I just stood there with my mouth shut, crying.

Keep in mind these thoughts and beliefs were not a product of my own interpretation of Scripture.  They were not the product of my own parent's beliefs.  I don't think I had, at that point, ever heard an official teaching on divorce or dealing with it, within the evangelical circles I was involved.  The things I held as truth were said in passing, were said in judgement of others, and were spoken out of the mouths/pens of people I deeply respected.  The following is a short list of some of the most impactful:

1--"I will not share my table with people who say they are Christians but are openly living in sin."  This woman, a pastor's wife, was talking about her son, who had divorced and was now remarried.  She would not have the couple in her house for Thanksgiving.

2--"Unless there is physical abuse, or it is unsafe for the kids there is no acceptable reason to separate."  Written to me in an email from a pastor.

3--The entire book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the "purity culture" of the 1990s.  Writer Josh Harris has apologized, kinda, for the unintentional impact of this book, but it can not be overstated that the underlying takeaways from that movement were that dating is bad and leads to divorce, court your crush and then marry them (even if you are a junior in high school like I was when I got engaged) before it goes to far, your purity is tantamount to your value to God and your husband.

And so on.  Keep in mind, I'm not writing about these things to bring judgement on the people who said them!  Waiting for marriage is a good thing!  Staying married is a great thing!  I am explaining the read-between-the-lines teachings that brought me to a place of feeling totally worthless, and filled with shame, in the years after the divorce.  I was the towel in the bucket on the left in the Clorox Bleach commercial that just never got clean.

AND THEN...the truth
Like most things the Lord has shown me, the truth took much longer for my thick skull to see and believe than it should have.  God used many people, over a period of time, to show me, again and again, that I am clean.  I am full of worth.  He loves the sound of my voice.  There was never, ever, a point in time when he didn't love the sound of my voice.  There wasn't one big shining moment that made me realize the utter stupidity of the shame beliefs, there were many.  As a matter of fact, in His goodness to me and total pursuit of me, it felt like God concentrated the efforts of the Heavens in my direction for several months, event after event, to set me straight.  The following is another short list of some of the most impactful:

1--This elderly guy I kinda knew came up to me after a church service at the new church I was going to with the kids.  He tapped me on the shoulder, looked me straight in the eyes (knowing none of this) and said, "During the service today God fixed my eyes on you and told me you got stung by a bee."  I immediately responded, "I'm divorced."  His eyes filled with tears and he said, "You.  You are something else.  There is something about you.  He's going to use you here, and it's going to be big."  Wow.

2--I was out to eat with one of my best friends, Taunya, and a group of other women I didn't know at all.  It was one of those get-to-know-new-people things which I detest because I always get inappropriately intense and then worry about it for weeks.  We had been asked to answer what I think was some neutral, innocuous question which I, with my special awkward powers, was able to turn into me announcing to the table that I was divorced and probably had an alcohol problem.  For some reason I can't quite figure out, my friend Taunya still invites me to these things.  Without even batting an eyelash the woman next to me said, "Yeah, real life is messy isn't it," and then took another bite of her burrito.

3--I listened to this sermon on YouTube out of Bethel church by Kris Valloton.  He talked about his own son, the judgement of the Church, the messed up life of Noah after the flood.  It is SO good.  Please share it with anyone you know who is dealing with this!  At the end he had people who are divorced stand up and he prayed over them and asked forgiveness from them.  I pulled my car over to the side of the road in between Detroit Lakes and Itasca State Park and just thanked God over and over for the encouraging words.

Keep in mind that none of the words of encouragement I received had anything to do with the validity of the divorce, whose fault it was or wasn't, who was right or wrong, etc..  The Lord simply taught me the truth.  I am His.  He will never let me go.  His forgiveness is permanent.  His plans for me are between Him and me.  He is God and can do whatever He wants with my life going forward, regardless of my past.

The truth is that life is messy, and divorce is sometimes a part of that mess.  I don't wish it for anyone, but I do want to offer empathy for those of you who feel like I did.  Jesus is crazy about you, and still wants to pursue a plan of action with you.  You are worth so much to your Creator, so very much.  He still loves your voice and your company.  Don't fall into the tendency to pull away from the Lord out of shame.  Lay the shame at His feet and let Him start the process of stomping it out.  There is so much on the line, so much He wants to do through your life, so may people to show love to and masterpieces to create.

I love you-we are all in this messy life together.
Briana