But God, You Said!

Timothy, my son, I am giving you this command in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by recalling them you may fight the battle well, ¹⁹ holding on to faith and a good conscience, which some have rejected and so have suffered shipwreck with regard to the faith.--1 Timothy 1: 8-19

Timothy had received a word, a promise, spoken over him about the nature of his calling.  Paul is encouraging him here to keep that word at the forefront of his thinking so he can fight the battles he faces daily with purpose.

Many of us have, at some point, received a word like that.  It may have been a prophetic word with the laying on of hands, it may have been a word of encouragement from a teacher.  Chances are, though, you've had a word sealed on your insides about what you've wanted to do or become that didn't come from anywhere else.  I'm not talking about words specific to ministry, either, just life.  Maybe you have always wanted to have babies, and that's not happening.  Maybe you have always wanted to write but now you're 43 and feel like that's never going to happen.  Maybe you had a picture of yourself on a missions trip when you were a teenager and all fired up but it has never worked out for you.

For my husband, he has always wanted to be wealthy.  I'm choosing this example specifically because of how absolutely non-spiritual it sounds!  Wealth and real estate; ever since we were first dating he would point out buildings as we drove by and say, "That's a cool building, wouldn't it be cool to own that building?"  I would politely nod yes but inside be thinking wouldn't it suck to have to clean that whole building?  At the time he was managing several stores and climbing the corporate ladder.   Then; marriage and a set of twin girls.  Chris left his big money, moved to the middle of nowhere MN to marry me and shortly thereafter stay home with the twins.

Just a minor setback to the word on his life, know what I mean?

Fast forward and he has worked his butt off the last few years to get his real estate license, then brokerage license, while building our house and working full-time in management, and just this winter finally went full time real estate.  All this at the young age of 40.  When the wealth and ownership of large buildings will come into the picture I have no idea.  He's just the kind of person that doesn't let any of that negative self talk, the Wall of Words, distract him from what he wants to do, even if he has to take a route he didn't originally anticipate.  Looking into his world it almost comes off as arrogance, like he has no concept that this plan might not actually work.  But upon further scrutiny, and having the benefit of seeing his life and habits up close, that's what faith looks like.

Me?  I haven't been as sure that the word spoken over me would ever actually come to pass.  As referred to above, I call it The Wall of Words.  Things people may have said to me, but mostly me to myself, that build up in between what my life looks like, and where I dreamed of going.  Maybe some of these thoughts sound familiar to some of you:
I probably misunderstood what God meant.
It's too late now anyway.
I have absolutely no business being in that field/job.
There's no way we could ever afford that.
I'm being selfish wanting that.
Only little kids dream about stuff like that.

In short, there was a long time I rejected the word and, like Paul warned about, suffered a shipwreck of faith.  Because here's the thing:  If I don't really believe the word God spoke to me is going to come to pass, what happens to my confidence when trying to be encouraging to others? So I was walking through life just kind of mezzed out, drinking too much, watching too much tv-trying to avoid having this conversation with myself about how differently things were than how I had thought they would be.

I want to be clear that I am not whining about having a tough life.  This doesn't have anything to do me wanting a different house or an easier job or clearer skin (that would be nice though).  The conflict in my spirit was about the word that had been sealed on my heart for a long time that was not happening in my life.

The word over my life?  In both my intuition and in prophecy from others the word that has been spoken is that I would be a teacher, writer, and storyteller for the kingdom.   I would be the one who, because I'm weird and don't care what people think, would be given the task of being brutally transparent about my struggles.  I would be the one who could speak for people who couldn't speak for themselves.  I would be someone who would listen to peoples' stories and pray alongside them for God's wisdom.

I had been given pictures by God of auditoriums full, and the microphone being handed to me.  Why?  It certainly has nothing to do with my own awesomeness or wanting attention!  I love talking about Jesus but talking in front of a crowd is exhausting, and people can be total a-holes!  So this word over me has never had anything to do with fame or glory or needing to hear my own voice.

Walking in God's will doesn't mean life will be easier or more fun; it means we walk in the peace of knowing we are doing what we were built to do.  

 None of those things have happened yet, which is why I am writing this now versus after they do.  and they will happen.  What has happened is that God, in His goodness and patience with me, done smacked me upside the head with the Holy Spirit stick about three months ago.  Not coincidentally I had begun praying more earnestly about direction, and began praying with a group of other women for wisdom in what to do.  My friend Sheree said "write down your absolute best case scenario and then pray for that-what God will do will be better than that."  So I did.

I wrote down that I want to go down to half time next year at the school and teach 9th graders in the morning.  What was I going to do with the rest of the time?  Some kind of women's ministry or teach aerobics?  Volunteer counseling at the school?  Since first starting to pray this way I have added the following to my "best case scenario" list as God has shaped and rearranged:

Publish the Turtle Story (novel I'm now writing)
Publish Throw That Shit Out (non-fiction book I'm now writing)
Make a blog about how we made an old church into a house (sugarmaplehouse.com)
Prayer ministry for people at the end of their hope rope
Go on the road at schools teaching about the impact of trauma and poverty on learning
Not be in Minnesota during January and February (just added that last week)

I also put in my request to go half time next year-which I then retracted two weeks later (this morning) because Chris and I decided to go for him building his own brokerage.

If you are at a point where you feel hopeless, like the things you had written on your heart were actually for someone else, or it's too late, or _______________________, just know you are not alone.  But you are also not right.  The truth is that God's plan for you hasn't changed, and is actually bigger than you once thought.  It might look different, but only because it will be better.

Pray.  Remind God you believe the word that was spoken over you.  Shout out "God, you said!  You said these words!  I believed you and I'm holding you to your promise over me!"  Cry out to the Lord!  Write a list of "best case scenario" and begin to pray your heart out.  Tear down The Wall of Words that you, or others, have put between you and your purpose.

I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished. --Philippians 1:6