This last November I was on my way to the walk-in clinic, pregnant and in a lot of pain. My momma intuition knew that something was very wrong. As I turned on to the street that led up to the clinic I prayed, "Lord, I can deal with the pain, but I pray, beg, that everything is ok with the baby." And then, even though I didn't want to breath out the words, I added, "But if it is not ok, you are still God, and you are still good." I sang "Good Good Father" into the parking lot, sobbing.
We lost the baby.
That night in the hospital my husband and I prayed and thanked God that I was still here on earth to be mom to our other babies, to continue working with and loving on teenagers, to be alive. It is hard to explain but the peace of God was so heavy in the room, and in my spirit, I almost felt...guilty? Because that's a logical female reaction to feeling peace, I suppose.
Now before you gasp at the maturity of my reaction (ok you weren't thinking it but I was) let me fill you in on a different experience from two months prior.
I was at a women's retreat at Big Sandy camp in the eastern woods of Minnesota with some of my best friends in ministry. It was supposed to be a refreshing time to worship and recharge the batteries. I had lied the week before and told my girlfriends I was excited but, truthfully, I didn't want to sit around watching other women cry for three days, I didn't want to share a dorm bathroom with other women, and I did not want to worship. Suffice it to say I had more than a bad attitude, I was straight-up mad at God. One of my students was on life-support from an attempted suicide. They were gathering family and friends to say their goodbyes. That first night at the retreat the worship band played "It Is Well with My Soul." In my heart I said, "Seriously, God?" I refused to sing. I drove back home early.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
I know the Bible tells us to give thanks in all circumstances. I grew up in the Church, I know the right words, I learned all the Sunday school songs. It's one of those doctrines I've always paid lip service to and have used to annoy my kids when they groan about doing chores. But at the core of my belief system-- you know way down in this area:
I guess I would have to confess I believe God is off His rocker. It seems a bit harsh, no? Let your kids go through hell and high water and then punctuate the experience with, "and you should be THANKFUL." And as Christians we totally give one another permission to disregard this command (it is a command, not a suggestion) in an attempt to empathize with people who are hurting. I texted a girlfriend of mine during the "It Is Well" song (yes, I was being that belligerent that I was texting during the worship set) and told her the song that was playing, and she responded, "Ummm yeah, no, not right now thanks." This is a person who absolutely loves Jesus, serves in ministry with me and probably knows 1 Thessalonians 1:5 by heart. She also knew and loved Katie.
The verse kept playing through my mind, on repeat, in the week after Katie's death, and it bothered me. Why? Why are we told to give thanks in the face of gut-wrenching pain? What is the purpose? The Word is clear that God's commandments are for our good, for our protection (Psalm 19:7-9 among others). And then the Lord, in His patience and goodness and never-ending kindness, revealed a truth to this daughter that I am so grateful for (so grateful I'm willing to share intimate details of my life on the internet).
Giving thanks in the pain develops a Christ-likeness in us
so we can carry the heavy weight of more of God's glory.
And that is a really big deal.
When Jesus was crucified the curtains of the temple split open. Think about that for a second. It's too easy for Christians to run roughshod through life singing Bethel songs like "Spirit Break Out" or "Open the Floodgates of Heaven" and forget that God's presence is serious business.
What have we been told about God's glory in scripture? 1 Chronicles 12-14 the arc of the covenant, a symbol of God's presence with His glory cloud hovering above it, brought intense blessing everywhere it went but also pretty harsh and instant judgement when it was disrespected (ya know, like death? 2 Samuel 6:7). When the temple was constructed bells were sewn into the robe of the priests, so they would know if one of them died going into the Holy Place, and the Holy of Holies could only be entered once a year, on the Day of Atonement, under a set of rules that takes up an entire chapter in Leviticus! That is the presence we are talking about that is now to be carried throughout the earth inside of us! It is powerful, powerful, powerful (... "you will have power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you"...)
God's dream is for the whole earth to be filled with His glory. Numbers 14:21, Isaiah 6:3, Habakkuk 2:14 and others all prophesy about the earth being completely filled with the glory of God. You and I are to carry that glory around in us for the world to see. As Colossians 1:27 puts it, "Christ in you, the hope of glory."
This means we must be strong enough to carry it.
This is what James was talking about when he told us to face the storms of life with pure joy-- because they equal a stronger vessel, and a stronger vessel means the ability to house more of God's presence, more of God's glory. HALLELUJAH!
So back to the Casting Crowns concert. Everything you just read flooded through my thoughts over the course of the next few songs. My poor husband. We sat huddled together, my trying my best to keep my sobs to a volume appropriate for such a social occasion, and him holding my hand tightly like he would two months later in the hospital room. And we worshiped along with thousands of others in the stadium:
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