DANIEL Welcome everyone, thank you for overcoming the acute social anxiety that comes from living the life of a prophet to join us for this evening's Prophet's Support Group. My name is Daniel, best known of course for the stint in the lion's den, although I personally don't think I get enough credit for the whole vegan thing. Last week we heard from Hosea and his experience after the Boss's orders to intentionally marry a prostitute-which I have to say made all that kale seem small in comparison. So thank you for sharing, and blessings to you and the Mrs. as you begin couple's therapy this week. We have a newcomer tonight, everyone give a warm welcome to Jonah!
JONAH Thank you, thank you everyone. Wow it's weird to be here finally, you know? Well I guess it all started when the Boss told me to go to Nineveh...
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GOD Jonah, listen, set down the milk and honey We've got something We need you to do.
JONAH Yeah, sure, whatever you need.
GOD We need you run down to Nineveh and --
JONAH Not gonna happen.
GOD Jonah look, the city is in a bad way, you should see some of stuff that passes for normal around there.
JONAH Uh Uh
GOD Jonah
JONAH *fingers in ears* lalalalalalalalalalala I can't hear you lalalalalala See, I had heard about Nineveh from my boy Naham. Yeah, he took a stroll around the city and you know what he saw? Pillars made out of decapitated heads. Monuments all over devoted to the carnage, one shrine in particular had an engraving on the side that read, "Many within the border of my own land I flayed and spread their skins upon the wall." Um yeah, no thanks Boss.
So I packed up, kissed the wife, hugged the kids, ran down to Joppa and hopped on a pirate ship to Tarshish. Yeah...that escalated quickly. You know what else escalated quickly? A ginormous Nor'easter. There I was just trying to blend in with the wheat sacks and booty and thar she blew. And there was no mistaking this one for an act of God--remember the parting of the Red Sea? Chya, it was like that.
PIRATE Aye mates there be a storm brewin'-call to the great lockness spirit te save us!
JONAH In short, that didn't work.
PIRATE *rocking with the boat* Aye mates she be getting even worse-try Poseidon!
JONAH Didn't work.
PIRATE Try The Kraken.
JONAH Nope
PIRATE Argh what be the Hawaiian one?
OTHER PIRATE Namakaokahai sir!
PIRATE Try ye that one my lad.
JONAH Yeah, nothing, and it was at this point the wheat bags could no longer cover up this *motions to face and body* I mean, I don't exactly look Persian.
PIRATE Say you there *still rocking with the winds* who be ye?
JONAH Who me? Ahm, just a guy, just a Hebrew guy. Just a regular Hebrew, *cough* prophet, guy running from the God of the heavens and earth, Creator of land and sea. You know, just doin' my thang.
PIRATE *long stare while still moving with the waves* TE THEE PLANK
JONAH It took them a while, what with all of the tossing of the waves and our motzaballs, to remember this was actually their backup ship--seems they had some David and Goliath type action in the Red that had rendered "The Tempress" unvoyagable, and they hadn't brought their other plank with. For a while they argued about whether or not to subject me to something called "kissing the gunner's daughter" but as we were being blown up against jagged rocks they decided on the straightforward--
PIRATE TOSS HEEM OVERBOARD
*long tossing, screaming sounds and big gulp*
WHALE ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm hiccup.
JONAH Anyone else ever been on the inside of a whale? When my first son was born the midwife got stuck in traffic because it was the yearlings goat day down at the sales barn and my wife, apparently, is a "fast laborer." Right there on the tent floor: baby, placenta, after-birth *noise*, the whole works. I'm not saying I was grossed out, but it was definitely...unnerving? Yeah, nope, doesn't even touch this nastage. And I'm not talking about the actual contents of the thing, I'm talking about his company. This whale was a bonafide a-hole
WHALE So, I'm confused *chuckles to self* You're Hebrew?
JONAH Yeah what's your point?
WHALE And you're a prophet? *chuckles again*
JONAH Yeah, and?
WHALE And you ran...….*chuckles obnoxiously* from YAHWEH? *laughs uncontrollably until he starts to snort*
JONAH Shove it up your blow hole chubby
WHALE I'm not chubby I'm big boned! You're a blow hole!
JONAH *big sigh* Uckkk. *gets down on his knees* Boss? It's hard to believe that this is all coincidental, what with the storm and pirates and being swallowed by an obnoxious fish. Did you make all whales that way or just this one?
WHALE I'm not noxious you're noxious!
JONAH *rolls eyes* Anyway, I want you to know I have hereby changed my mind and if you would intervene on my behalf and project me from this aquatic creature I will march right down to Nineveh to do your work. I'm worshiping you God, may my prayers be heard in your Holy Temp--
WHALE ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm *vomiting noise*
JONAH *violently thrown to shore from the mouth of the whale, wipes off his face and watches the slime drip from his forearms* Well I can never eat sushi again.
GOD Hey there Jonah! Looking sharp my man! It appears you have had a come-to-Jesus moment?
JONAH A come-to-who-moment?
GOD Oh right, you don't know that part of the story yet, spoiler alert, it's awesome. Now go down to Nineveh, the place just wreaks. Tell them I know about the whole pillars-out-of-decapitated-skulls thing and they've got forty days to repent or else.
JONAH I wasn't about to keep running. The Boss can be pretty creative in His ways of persuasion and I wasn't really interested in a follow-up experience to the whale. So I took off for Ninevah, and it was as bad as Naham had said. I didn't really know where to start so I just started walking through the city shouting, 'Hey! People! You're naughty! Quit being naughty or God's gonna Sodom and Gomorrah this place.' And by the end of the first day the king had heard about the threat level being elevated to code red.
KING Lois, we are being told to REpent. When did we first pent, and how does one go about REpenting?
LOIS Repent means to stop being naughty sir. The common theme among our neighbors to the north is to quit eating, quit drinking, put on burlap sacks and rub yourself with ash.
KING I'd like to rub you down with ash.
LOIS Thus our current predicament sir.
KING *looking quizzically* Oh so you mean I would have to stop--
LOIS Yes sir.
KING And wouldn't be able to--
LOIS That's right sir.
KING *long pause, deep breath and a yes nod of his head, walks to what is presumably his window looking down on the peasants* People of Nineveh, hear this proclamation. Turn from your evil ways. Stop decapitating people to make pillars. Stop skinning one another and hanging the skins on the walls. To be honest that's actually always grossed me out. Not one drop of water or bite of food for man, woman or animal. Dress them all in burlap sacks.
LOIS You want the animals in burlap sacks too sir?
KING *thoughtfully* The animals too! Good luck with that. Perhaps God will change His mind and let us live!
JONAH And they did it to. All 120,000 of them, plus the animals. The fasting, the sackcloth and ashes, the whole nine cubits. It was pretty bizarre to watch. I mean the logistics of the thing, they set up a committee specifically devoted to the research of convincing a camel to wear a burlap sack!
And you know what the Boss did? He changed His mind! I knew that would happen! I knew if I went down there and sounded the alarm bell they would be all, 'oh no let's turn from our wicked ways' and then God would forgive them and then I look like a total idiot. Truth is I walked just out of the city, made myself a little hut, and sat there sulking but also kind of waiting for the BOOM, you know? Nope, sheer grace and mercy. He even made a little tree sprout up next to me and grow up and over for shade and I was still salty about the whole thing. *super dramatic* I could've just curled up right there and died of embarrassment.
GOD Look Jonah, I know you're upset, but look out at the city. Look at all those people. Many of them didn't even know how they were living was wrong, they needed someone to go tell them. Look at the little sacks they made for the goats, do you realize how much burlap they went through? Have you ever tried to convince a camel to wear a burlap sack? That's repentance right there. And that's my modus operandi Anyone, anywhere, anytime, can leave the filth and come and join the family.
JONAH So that's it. Thanks for the floor tonight everyone, it's so nice to get all that off my chest share with other prophets, you guys just get me, like on a spiritual level.
DANIEL *clapping* And thank YOU Jonah! Phew, that was a humdinger fer sure! Before we say grace and venture to the back for fellowship time--and thanks in advance to Ezekiel for bringing snacks tonight, I know you all breathe a sigh of relief when it's not the vegan's turn *points to self* lol!--A head's up that for next week's meeting we will hear from our other newcomer, also a J name, John the Baptist! We look forward to hearing from you John, seems we have quite the story unfolding!
JONAH Thank you, thank you everyone. Wow it's weird to be here finally, you know? Well I guess it all started when the Boss told me to go to Nineveh...
____________________________________________________________________________
GOD Jonah, listen, set down the milk and honey We've got something We need you to do.
JONAH Yeah, sure, whatever you need.
GOD We need you run down to Nineveh and --
JONAH Not gonna happen.
GOD Jonah look, the city is in a bad way, you should see some of stuff that passes for normal around there.
JONAH Uh Uh
GOD Jonah
JONAH *fingers in ears* lalalalalalalalalalala I can't hear you lalalalalala See, I had heard about Nineveh from my boy Naham. Yeah, he took a stroll around the city and you know what he saw? Pillars made out of decapitated heads. Monuments all over devoted to the carnage, one shrine in particular had an engraving on the side that read, "Many within the border of my own land I flayed and spread their skins upon the wall." Um yeah, no thanks Boss.
So I packed up, kissed the wife, hugged the kids, ran down to Joppa and hopped on a pirate ship to Tarshish. Yeah...that escalated quickly. You know what else escalated quickly? A ginormous Nor'easter. There I was just trying to blend in with the wheat sacks and booty and thar she blew. And there was no mistaking this one for an act of God--remember the parting of the Red Sea? Chya, it was like that.
PIRATE Aye mates there be a storm brewin'-call to the great lockness spirit te save us!
JONAH In short, that didn't work.
PIRATE *rocking with the boat* Aye mates she be getting even worse-try Poseidon!
JONAH Didn't work.
PIRATE Try The Kraken.
JONAH Nope
PIRATE Argh what be the Hawaiian one?
OTHER PIRATE Namakaokahai sir!
PIRATE Try ye that one my lad.
JONAH Yeah, nothing, and it was at this point the wheat bags could no longer cover up this *motions to face and body* I mean, I don't exactly look Persian.
PIRATE Say you there *still rocking with the winds* who be ye?
JONAH Who me? Ahm, just a guy, just a Hebrew guy. Just a regular Hebrew, *cough* prophet, guy running from the God of the heavens and earth, Creator of land and sea. You know, just doin' my thang.
PIRATE *long stare while still moving with the waves* TE THEE PLANK
JONAH It took them a while, what with all of the tossing of the waves and our motzaballs, to remember this was actually their backup ship--seems they had some David and Goliath type action in the Red that had rendered "The Tempress" unvoyagable, and they hadn't brought their other plank with. For a while they argued about whether or not to subject me to something called "kissing the gunner's daughter" but as we were being blown up against jagged rocks they decided on the straightforward--
PIRATE TOSS HEEM OVERBOARD
*long tossing, screaming sounds and big gulp*
WHALE ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm hiccup.
JONAH Anyone else ever been on the inside of a whale? When my first son was born the midwife got stuck in traffic because it was the yearlings goat day down at the sales barn and my wife, apparently, is a "fast laborer." Right there on the tent floor: baby, placenta, after-birth *noise*, the whole works. I'm not saying I was grossed out, but it was definitely...unnerving? Yeah, nope, doesn't even touch this nastage. And I'm not talking about the actual contents of the thing, I'm talking about his company. This whale was a bonafide a-hole
WHALE So, I'm confused *chuckles to self* You're Hebrew?
JONAH Yeah what's your point?
WHALE And you're a prophet? *chuckles again*
JONAH Yeah, and?
WHALE And you ran...….*chuckles obnoxiously* from YAHWEH? *laughs uncontrollably until he starts to snort*
JONAH Shove it up your blow hole chubby
WHALE I'm not chubby I'm big boned! You're a blow hole!
JONAH *big sigh* Uckkk. *gets down on his knees* Boss? It's hard to believe that this is all coincidental, what with the storm and pirates and being swallowed by an obnoxious fish. Did you make all whales that way or just this one?
WHALE I'm not noxious you're noxious!
JONAH *rolls eyes* Anyway, I want you to know I have hereby changed my mind and if you would intervene on my behalf and project me from this aquatic creature I will march right down to Nineveh to do your work. I'm worshiping you God, may my prayers be heard in your Holy Temp--
WHALE ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm *vomiting noise*
JONAH *violently thrown to shore from the mouth of the whale, wipes off his face and watches the slime drip from his forearms* Well I can never eat sushi again.
GOD Hey there Jonah! Looking sharp my man! It appears you have had a come-to-Jesus moment?
JONAH A come-to-who-moment?
GOD Oh right, you don't know that part of the story yet, spoiler alert, it's awesome. Now go down to Nineveh, the place just wreaks. Tell them I know about the whole pillars-out-of-decapitated-skulls thing and they've got forty days to repent or else.
JONAH I wasn't about to keep running. The Boss can be pretty creative in His ways of persuasion and I wasn't really interested in a follow-up experience to the whale. So I took off for Ninevah, and it was as bad as Naham had said. I didn't really know where to start so I just started walking through the city shouting, 'Hey! People! You're naughty! Quit being naughty or God's gonna Sodom and Gomorrah this place.' And by the end of the first day the king had heard about the threat level being elevated to code red.
KING Lois, we are being told to REpent. When did we first pent, and how does one go about REpenting?
LOIS Repent means to stop being naughty sir. The common theme among our neighbors to the north is to quit eating, quit drinking, put on burlap sacks and rub yourself with ash.
KING I'd like to rub you down with ash.
LOIS Thus our current predicament sir.
KING *looking quizzically* Oh so you mean I would have to stop--
LOIS Yes sir.
KING And wouldn't be able to--
LOIS That's right sir.
KING *long pause, deep breath and a yes nod of his head, walks to what is presumably his window looking down on the peasants* People of Nineveh, hear this proclamation. Turn from your evil ways. Stop decapitating people to make pillars. Stop skinning one another and hanging the skins on the walls. To be honest that's actually always grossed me out. Not one drop of water or bite of food for man, woman or animal. Dress them all in burlap sacks.
LOIS You want the animals in burlap sacks too sir?
KING *thoughtfully* The animals too! Good luck with that. Perhaps God will change His mind and let us live!
JONAH And they did it to. All 120,000 of them, plus the animals. The fasting, the sackcloth and ashes, the whole nine cubits. It was pretty bizarre to watch. I mean the logistics of the thing, they set up a committee specifically devoted to the research of convincing a camel to wear a burlap sack!
And you know what the Boss did? He changed His mind! I knew that would happen! I knew if I went down there and sounded the alarm bell they would be all, 'oh no let's turn from our wicked ways' and then God would forgive them and then I look like a total idiot. Truth is I walked just out of the city, made myself a little hut, and sat there sulking but also kind of waiting for the BOOM, you know? Nope, sheer grace and mercy. He even made a little tree sprout up next to me and grow up and over for shade and I was still salty about the whole thing. *super dramatic* I could've just curled up right there and died of embarrassment.
GOD Look Jonah, I know you're upset, but look out at the city. Look at all those people. Many of them didn't even know how they were living was wrong, they needed someone to go tell them. Look at the little sacks they made for the goats, do you realize how much burlap they went through? Have you ever tried to convince a camel to wear a burlap sack? That's repentance right there. And that's my modus operandi Anyone, anywhere, anytime, can leave the filth and come and join the family.
JONAH So that's it. Thanks for the floor tonight everyone, it's so nice to get all that off my chest share with other prophets, you guys just get me, like on a spiritual level.
DANIEL *clapping* And thank YOU Jonah! Phew, that was a humdinger fer sure! Before we say grace and venture to the back for fellowship time--and thanks in advance to Ezekiel for bringing snacks tonight, I know you all breathe a sigh of relief when it's not the vegan's turn *points to self* lol!--A head's up that for next week's meeting we will hear from our other newcomer, also a J name, John the Baptist! We look forward to hearing from you John, seems we have quite the story unfolding!
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