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Struggling With Big Questions

"Let a man so consider us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God." 1 Cor. 4:1

A couple years ago I asked the Lord, begged the Lord, to fix me. I was stretched to a thin sheet. Much of what I believed that I believed was being shaken in my innermost parts in a way that’s impossible for me to articulate except to say it was physically painful and lonely. For the first time I kind of understood Jacob’s wrestling match with God. Do normal people lay awake at night torn to spiritual shreds about hell, homosexuality or America’s relationship with Israel?


I have to be honest, I've never heard a teaching on 1 Timothy 2:15 that actually made sense.  To be fair, most teachers won't touch the topic so I haven't heard very many teachings period.
Since then I’ve been going through a process of...shedding skin? Being stripped down to factory settings and taking inventory on my thoughts the same way I do when I go through stuff for the thrift store: a pile to get rid of, a pile to keep, and a pile I’m not sure what to do with yet.

Litmus test questions: “Is this belief actually mine or is it something I believe because it makes someone else happy?” and “Is this a thing I do to actually help the world or is it just to protect me from criticism or make me look like a good person?”
So the wrestling continues with me asking, demanding, answers to these big questions-not satisfied with the tidy answers from other people that never sat well with me to begin with. Jacob demanded a blessing. I’m wrestling for wisdom, discernment, for the truth.
Jacob walked with a limp for the rest of his life after that encounter.  The limp I walk around with is being seen by others in the Body as....gasp...difficult.  It's not that I lack faith, which is what questioning is usually viewed as, unfortunately.  I want more.  I'm the kid in class with the hand waving in the air (and as a teacher I know exactly how exasperating that can be-but Lord I love those kids too!).


This is an area in the Church that needs some work.  Often people with big questions are chalked up to "doubters" and given limp exhortations like "God is not a God of confusion but a God of order," or "everything you need to know is in scripture."  Ummmmmm, yeah- where do you think these questions come from in the first place?!  Ravi Zacharias tells a story of one of the first times he asked his dad a big question about the nature of God and the response was, "stop being so difficult."
  And we wonder why the young people are leaving the Church in droves.  
Maybe it's not so much about them wanting to pursue sinful desires of the flesh as it is about them being shot down when they ask important questions about purpose, intelligent design, or the inerrancy of scripture?  After all millennials are drinking and smoking less, having less sex than generations before but have higher rates of anxiety and depression .
I know I’m not alone in this, and the more open I’ve been recently with my struggles and questions the more I’ve received messages saying “me too.” I want to encourage everyone walking this road with me that: 1) God is not afraid of our questions. Just like our responses to our own children when they ask hard questions and we stand in awe of how much is going through their minds, how much more does it delight our Heavenly Father when we come to the only One who has the answers and accept no other explanation than His? 2) Now we see partially, like shadows or a reflection on water-but someday we will see face to face. There are rewards for those who sincerely seek Him.
I love you-my messages are always open for prayer requests, keep seeking His face

     "But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory, which none of the rulers of this age knew; for had they known, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. But as it is written: 

           "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man
           The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” 

     "But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God....Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things that have been freely given to us by God. These things we also speak, not in words which man’s wisdom teaches but which the Holy Spirit teaches....But the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him..." 1 Corinthians 2:1-6

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